From Pompous Ass to Enjoyable Glass

author note: this is the first article I've ever submitted to a national mag. It was rejected from both. Enjoy!

Rather than trying to look cool ordering a bottle, or glass, of wine at a restaurant here’s a novel idea: try not to look like an idiot. With a few tips from those in the know you will soon know enough to save you from looking like a pompous ass. However, there is a catch. You must act on your newfound knowledge.

Beginning with what not to do is easiest. With that in mind don’t sniff the cork and especially don’t tell your server that IT smells fine. All you will smell is cork and as you will soon find out that is bad.

Don’t comment on the legs. Though they are helpful in determining the alcohol content it’s more accurate to just read the percentage on the bottle. And both this and the previous no-no are obvious signs to anyone with an ounce of wine knowledge that you are full of shit.

Don’t hold a napkin up to the glass. This is pretentious and though I recommend it later I recommend it with the understanding that you will be discreet.

Don’t ask your server to keep pouring the wine until it almost full and don’t wait until the server has left and then pour an almost to the brim glass of wine. If you really don’t care how your wine tastes just stay home and pour yourself a jug of Gallo’s finest.

Don’t request a glass of the “house” anything especially chardonnay, cab or merlot. Believe it or not plenty of restaurants don’t ALWAYS carry those varietals by the glass and even more rare is a “house” glass. Take the time to check out the list and give something new a try.

Enough with dispensing unpleasantries; here’s the good stuff. Do, and I stress this, ask your server’s opinion. Most people can spot a shifty car salesman type waiter; if this is your waiter ignore this request. They may be just a likely to sell you a lemon as the real deal. If your server isn’t shifty they may be fairly well acquainted with the wine list, and if they aren’t, chances are someone else is. When asking for their advice feel free to let them know what you are planning on eating, if you want a pairing, or what it is you like in wine. This will help them help you. (The often-taboo subject of price can be also be discussed. Very few people are going to spend over 60 dollars on a bottle of wine and even less frequent are the chances that there isn’t a comparable item in your price range.)

Here comes the fun part. After picking out the wine you get to enjoy it. And with just a few simple gestures how good that wine can taste will be revealed.

Before you can taste a bottle you must know what you are looking for. Nine times out of 10 you taste to see if the bottle is corked or oxidized. Corked wine is what happens when air gets into the bottle and causes the cork to mold. The result is a wine that smells like wet cardboard or a wet dog. You will know when a wine is corked when it smells like the aforementioned unpleasant aromas. As with all things there are varying degrees of corkiness. If you are unsure after you have smelled the wine then taste it. If it tastes like wet cardboard then you probably have a corked wine. Oxidized wine will be brownish in color and taste like sherry. As soon as you are sure it is palatable let your server know and they will pour for the rest of the table.

Wine tasting should be called wine smelling. Depending on whom you ask our sense of smell makes up between 70% and 85% of what we think we taste. A common example of this is dinner with a cold. Nothing tastes good because nothing smells good. With this in mind be sure to take the time to smell the wine.

Most wines need air to show their true colors and all wines change as more air reaches them. This is why you swirl your glass. One of the easiest ways to swirl a glass is to leave it sitting on the table. Using the tabletop as a crutch swirl the glass by holding onto the base with a couple fingers. After a few good swirls smell it. Some recommend a few quick sniffs, some recommend one long, either way be sure to really stick your nose in the glass. Swirl again and smell again. Really take your time to enjoy this part. Wine has so many possibilities for aromas and the more time you spend sniffing your glass the more you will get out of it. If you really want to get tricky hold the wine up against a white backdrop like a napkin, look at the color of the wine. Wine colors range depending on the varietal and year but few wines should be brown. Only aged wines are supposed to be nearing brown, if it’s young and brown it’s no good (remember oxidized?). Swirl again and give it a swig.

When tasting wine you want to be sure to coat your whole mouth. With the wine on your tongue open your mouth just a tad and suck in some air. This further aerates the wine and it will continue to change in your mouth. Does it make you think of any one flavor? Do you taste more than one? Now swallow. Often times you will hear people talk about the beginning, middle and end of a wine. The beginning is the first impression, the middle is what’s in between the beginning and the end (duh!), and the end is what you taste after you have swallowed the wine. A good way to get a better feel for the end of the wine is to inhale through your mouth and exhale through your nose. What you continue to taste is the finish. Now sit back and enjoy.

Throughout your evening your wine glass will likely need filling. I like to wait until there are about two sips left in the glass before I pour a second round. Waiting serves two purposes. It allows the wine to open up before being interrupted by new, closed wine and it helps maintain the optimum temperature. Pouring into a half-full lukewarm glass will only raise the temperature of the new wine thus changing the way it tastes. At the end of your evening if there’s wine left over you have two choices. In some states you can put a cork in it and take it home to enjoy within the next 24 hours or you can give it to your server. Servers love this as they get to try wines that are on the list but unavailable for them to taste and with enough generous offers they can get a good buzz going. At the very least be sure to offer them a glass, especially if they’ve mentioned that they’d never had it before—that’s a hint for a glass.

Keep your server happy and your experience will be that much better. Believe it or not servers often hand out special favors (not sex, at least not usually) to tables they deem as cool. Trusting your server, listening to him or her and including them in your revelry may all result in you and yours experiencing unpublished merchandise. Once again I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about yet unreleased bottles of wine, special dishes designed just for your table and the inside tract on where to go for what ever flips your skirt up. Act like you have maintained the sense you were born with and follow these simple tips and things will move along just swimmingly.